A Look Inside Myself

A Light Depression.

Does such a thing exist?

Doubt fills my veins
And I cringe at random words.
My mind wraps around all kinds of words
Floating in the air,
Extracting evil meanings among meaningless syllables.
Flutters in my stomach keep me on edge;
I am like a dog fearing the newspaper
Waving menacingly in the air -
Falsely afraid of the paperboy.

This isn't me.
I have become a coward,
And for what?
The love of a man?
When did this happen to me?
How could I have let myself become this...
...This dependent little creature?
Can someone tell me
Where my backbone has run away to hide?

But do I really want it back?
I sit here and wonder
If I am better off under the hands of a man -
But the thought isn't mine.
I am no plaything to be owned,
No matter how often I joke;
I am no piece of ass to be claimed!

I am my own woman.
Yet I have come to realize I have slipped.
I have fallen down
And found the path of least resistance to be cozy,
A warm room with a fireplace to curl up beside.

I am not the house cat to become fat and lazy,
But the fearsome creature of the wild
To entertain only my own thoughts, whims, and desires.
So why do I find myself purring?
The purring sickens me.

My jaw quivers as the realization sinks in,
The depression overwhelms.
I love him,
And it scares me.
The fear pulls me into myself,
And I question everything.
I have become reclusive,
Changing form and attitude.
When did I let my insecurities rule my life?
She who is insecure bites back at the world
And runs the one she loves away.
Have I caught myself in time?
Can I return to my former self?
Do I still have the chance to save me...
...From myself?